Mr. Mister parks the Little Red Corvette sideways, past the Roundabout on Electric Avenue, just over the Borderline into Alphaville, and steps out into the moonlight, the Serious Moonlight. There has to be an Invisible Sun.
He’s heading to a Celebration at Jack and Diane’s - one of the Little Pink Houses on Skid Row. 5150.
But Right Here, Right Now, this ain’t no party. This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no fooling around. It is no time for A Momentary Lapse of Reason.
Something In the Air Tonight reminds M when he was on a Journey as a Foreigner, One Night In Bangkok, and he was completely Out of Touch. It makes a hard man humble, like stepping into the Twilight Zone and M realizes he’s no Rough Boy, Living in America.
He’s being followed by a band of Stray Cats that have some truly Psychedelic Furs. They Might Be Giants, for all he knows, but he Just Can’t Stop It to Add It Up. Its a Sign O’ the Times when a little voice inside your head says, “Don’t look back. You can never look back.” He’s tense and nervous and can’t Relax becaise after his last run in with these cats, he’s Once Bitten, Twice Shy.
He feels that the situation is growing Urgent, and he doesn’t want to mess up his Nu Shooz that Look Sharp! He’s Livin’ on a Prayer, and picks up his pace through the White City, fighting to keep Control. Just when he thinks he might be Out of Time, he sees a Supertramp hocking some junky Kraftwerk, obviously looking for The Fixx. M gives him some Money for Nothing, and then, knowing he’s Closer to his destination, like a Heatseeker, turns on the Afterburner and Jetts to a nearby fence and finds the gated snare where the Night Ranger demands a password. M has done this Time After Time, He offers the Word Up in Modern English. Same as it ever was. In a Flashdance, he’s through the fence and into the Outfield of the neighborhood ballpark. M bravely thinks, “I can play Centerfield.”
He’s safe now, but a Purple Rain starts to fall. T’Pau! A Quarterflash of lightning strikes and frightens M. He trips and falls Head Over Heels and finds himself Digging in the Dirt. He gets up, brushes himself off, hurries past The Smith’s place, and he’s arrived.
It is a Crowded House, decorated with 99 Red Balloons. packed with West End Girls and Wild Boys spinning ‘Round Like a Record. This dance ain’t for everybody. Only the sexy people.
There are Girls, Girls, Girls, everywhere. There goes Jeanie with her new boyfriend.
Rio is there, wearing Bangles, a Cameo, and a Golden Earring. She’s Got Bette Davis Eyes and she’s got Legs, and she knows how to use them. She’s a Beauty.
"Sweet Dreams are made of this. Best damn woman that I’ve EVER seen," M thinks. She’d been The Flame of his Wild, Wild Life.
She’s yelling at one of The Romantics, one of many Nasty Boys and Men At Work here tonight trying to Bust a Move.
“Don’t Stand So Close To Me!” she shouts.
This Guy Mann Dude tries to come on with the come on, not fighting fair, but Rio shuts him down: “Don’t hand me no lines! And keep your hands to yourself!”
M tries to put Rio out of his mind for now. She’d been his main Squeeze, Yes, but So, so much More Than This. They’d shared a Weird Science, a Radar Love that was Hard To Handle. It was XTC, and he wants more, more, more. But not now. He’s here to Roam around this Love Shack, drink some Red Red Wine, party like its 1999, and forget workin’ 9 to 5. He’s Happy Monday’s a Holiday, so he has ‘Til Tuesday to Dance This Mess Around before he has to take the Morning Train again. He has to Shout. Shout! Let it all out.
M hollers, “Let’s Dance! Let’s Go Crazy! Pump Up the Volume! Pump Up the Volume! Dance! Dance! Girls, rock your boys! Yippee-I-yippee-I-yay!” He starts in, but he’s soon overcome with a Total Eclipse of the Heart remembering the Joy and Pain (like sunshine and rain) of The Look of Love he used to get from Rio, his Endless Love, when they were Footloose.
“There’s Always Something There to Remind Me. I Would Die 4 U.” He chokes back tears.
“I Remember You. I think I even remember your phone number. It was 867-5… Uh… No. I can’t do it.”
Reminiscing, in a REM-like state, their Boy Meets Girl story is still so Vivid to him, but there’s Honestly still a Sting from when she ran so far away, just before their White Wedding. She’d been Tempted by the fruit of another, and when he asked her, “Is There Something I Should Know?” She answered with Careless Whisper - she said he’s Just a Friend. Now she’s Jesse’s Girl. “My Best Friend’s Girlfriend! But she used to be mine!” And She Was. M sobs.
We need to Talk Talk, M decides. “All I Need is a Miracle,” he thinks.
He lays out a plan he can follow like a Mr. Roboto: Let Me Clear My Throat. Tell her “I’m someone to be your friend; someone who cares. I’m Wishing (If I Had a Photograph of You.)” Let her know he didn’t hire those Private Eyes, that everything’s Kool & The Gang misses her. Ask her, “Who’s gonna Drive you home tonight?” Say “Nothing Compares 2 U.”
M approaches Rio, and his script is forgotten. He can’t form the words. “Su-Su-Ssudio…” he sputters, “Kajagoogoo.”
He flees to the bathroom.
M looks at himself in the Mirror In the Bathroom for a long time and notices a Touch of Grey among his Split Enz for the first time. “UB40, man. Take a look at me now. I’m Still Standing, Against All Odds. Look at me, I’m skinny.” He heaves a Heavy D sigh. This is what it sounds like…
He weeps Tears for Fears. for all of his Shattered Dreams.
He tells himself “Boys Don’t Cry,” and tries to pull himself together. In an A-ha moment he ponders, as Simple Minds might in this situation, that “Love is a Battlefield. While I burn the Midnight Oil, my Brothers in Arms Rock the Casbah. Alas, People Are People, so why should it be that I still Cherish her, but she won’t Pour Some Sugar on Me? I guess it’s just that My Girl Wants to Party All the Time. Too Shy - that’s What I Am. I Want a New Drug.”
He feels Under Pressure and his are certainly Emotions In Motion. Like a Ghost in the Machine, these Kinks have a Clash with his Heart and before he can Whip It, One Thing Leads to Another; to a complete Joy Division, and he suffers a full Disintegration, and I mean complete, in Toto. It is like A Flock of Seagulls Burning Down the House and Dancing in the Moonlight Under a Blood Red Sky.
Paranoid now, he thinks, “I always feel like Somebody’s Watching Me. How Will I Know?”
He’s able to Hold On Loosely and straightens up. “I’m gonna Harden My Heart and Face the Face, or I’ll end up in The Church of the Poison Mind. There’s no real reason to be lonely.”
Outside the bathroom door at that moment, Falco, visiting from Berlin, screeches “Janie’s Got a Gun!” Its a .38 Special. Janie, a Blondie, has had a Controversy with Roxanne, the Lady in Red. Gimme just a minute and I’ll tell you why… No, wait. I can’t. It’s a Matter of Trust. Let me just say that Roxanne shouldn’t have called Janie “Yello.” That did it.
One of the Thompson Twins, Mickey, who’s looking fine (he’s Just a Gigalo from Panama, although he was Born in the USA,) screams, “Jump!”
He’s been Watching the Detectives (who were invited in by a Young MC nobody there knows from Adam Ant, calling them in to “Cum on Feel the Noize” instead of telling them to Beat It.)
These Men Without Hats, who are trained to Listen Like Thieves down in Africa, are rabbit-like in springing into action with Open Arms. They come running just as fast as they can. Cries of “Hit It, Run!” and “Ohhhh, Yeaaah!” Echo, and the Bunnymen move Forward as One to give Live Aid. There is mass Hysteria as The Police become a Cutting Crew with a License to Ill to quell this not-so Quiet Riot and protect the General Public.
Janie is subdued, but The Reflex action of the crowd has turned this Klymaxxx into a Party at Ground Zero. Madness.
The Cops are dragging one woman out saying, “Come On, Eileen.”
Apparently she’s Wanted Dead or Alive for being a Maneater. But she’s still trying to Rockit, grabbing hopefully at her friend Rosana’s scarf, which is painted like a Whitesnake, but it swirls just out of reach. Whining that “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” Eileen gets ahold of her Sharp Dressed Man, who looks Wonderful Tonight. He’s been he’s tipsy and off balance at the Buffet, schmoozing with some Fine Young Cannibals… “O, U812?” he’s asking, as Eileen pulls him down.
The snack table, which had a sign on it reading “DON’T Lean On Me” flips over and the Salt-n-Pepa, a Taco, Cherry Pie à la Depeche Mode, a platter of Rock Lobster, a Vegemite sandwich, and Funky Cold Medina fly into The Samples. For what seems like 120 Minutes, this melange is airborne. It ends up sticking to, then, after sort of Dancing on the Ceiling, Wham! This stuff falls like a Two-Tone Red Rain with the weight of a Slegehammer and creates a Big Time mess that’s 3 Feet High and Rising and Slippery When Wet, right in the middle of this World Party, in Living Colour.
Obviously Addicted to Love, and apparently also flesh of the Human League, the Sharp Dressed Man bellows “I don’t want to lose your love tonight! I Need You Tonight! I need Sexual Healing! I Wanna Be Your Lover! They can Never Tear Us Apart!” and follows after Eileen.
While the assembled Culture Club Break Out and Push It out to the Big Country outside, toward the Power Station, M, still in the bathroom, decides he’s finally done with that Centerfold Rio, and that he’ll move on. “I Wanna Be a Cowboy,” he says to himself, and figures to return to the party. “I just want to rock and roll all night, and party every day. I Love Rock-n-Roll!”
A Metallic/a Hammer sound on the door breaks him out of his Dream of the Blue Turtles, though. As he asks “Hello? Who Can It Be Now?”
An officer starts through the door and tells him to “Walk This Way.”
“You’re The Boss,” Mr. M submits because, he offers, “When In Rome… anyway… Its My Prerogative. Right, Ted?” The officer lets M know his name is Albert, not Ted. “But You Can Call Me Al.”
Guided By Voices and The Stroke of the officer’s Styx, M begins to glide by the people as they start to look and stare with Fascination that he is also being escorted out. Looking around, M asks what has happened and declares, “This is Weird, Al.”
Al slaps the cuffs on Mr. Mister, and arrests him for driving a stolen car that he parked illegally.
The Motley Crüe outside has lit a bonfire, but no one will admit to it. “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” each one says.
As every Neverending Story needs a happy ending, this one ends up with Dancing in the Streets, a New Order, and New Jack Swing of an entirely different Tony! Toni! Tone. Jesse sits on the curb, puts down his 6 string that he bought at the 5 and dime, and picks up a little Karma Chameleon he’s noticed. He excitedly calls out to tell Rio, and she dances on the sand.